Dear friends, ostomates, and strangers of the internet,

I realized my dreams came true when I no longer needed to build a log cabin, clear pipes, or pop a squat from my rear end. Living with a front butt has a few glorious advantages; see below.

1. You’re at a wedding ceremony during a beautiful golden sunset, and the sweet scent of roses permeates the air. People are quiet with anticipation as they watch the bride slowly make her way to the altar. No better time than this; your front butt lets out an obscenely loud, crushingly obvious, skin-blasting howl, ‘pbbbbtttt’! This is no ordinary bark. Although it’s a blaring alarm, your whoopi cushion contained the non-lethal demon cough. Everything’s coming up roses.

2. You’re a die-hard Sneakerhead in line at Nike to get your hands on the latest Travis Scott drops. While suckers must leave the line to blow mud, you don’t. You have maximum stamina from zero sensation of urgency. Your ass is on DND (Drop No Deuce); not even food poisoning can hack it. Feel the wave of calmness and serenity over you.

3. You’re at your twenty-year high school reunion, and people are sizing each other by droning on about their success. While everybody aspires to meaningless mediocrity, you’ve achieved the most prestigious award in the field of all posteriors, the world’s cleanest butthole. With a silent mode bottom, a greatness that no human can compare—little to no maintenance and eco-friendly.

4. You’re at the grocery store, pushing your squeaky cart past all the nonsense like vegetables and fruits. You grab cheese, ice cream, pasta, cream sauces, and cookies. Continue your haul with some steaks, pork chops, and roasted potatoes. As mandated by doctors, you are now on a carnivore-and-carbs-and-desert only diet. THE dream diet that all adults want to hear from their doctors, low fiber and desserts. Be a proud picky eater!

5. You’re standing in front of your closet, staring blankly at all the tight jeans and tops. Fret no more by grabbing the muumuu, a Hawaiian long shirt robe with a yoke-less neckline and a generic Polynesian motif. Bringing you max exotic island vibes. Loose clothing is amazing at concealing apple-shaped bodies and accentuating your other set of melons. 🙂 Comfortable from day to night, ultimate career woman’s wardrobe.

An ostomy is a life-changing surgical procedure that creates an opening in your abdominal wall where your output exits into a bag. People who may have ostomy include: colon or rectal cancer, ulcerative colitis, Crohn’s, Diverticulitis, or injury to the small or large intestine. This piece is written by Cat, a patient at Weill Cornell NYC to flip the script for those living with this invisible disability and to reduce Stigma surrounding its conditions, and does not substitute for professional medical advice. Questions: misscatlo@gmail.com